go back

in awe and wonder

The sight of a vast mountain range marching off into the distance has the power to stir my soul like nothing else. At key points in my life, God has planted this little MidWestern girl within view of such grandeur, fortifying me with a tangible reminder to keep looking up!

The three years I spent in grad school in Colorado provided just such a reminder. The campus led down to the river, boasting a riverwalk that stretched for miles within sight of the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Driving back to my apartment from weekly trips to the grocery store, I relished the curve in the road that restored the sight of that mountain panorama, in awe at God’s goodness to take a routine task and imbue it with wonder, every single time.

I was sure I had come to stay.

a dream come true

Ever since my family made our first trip out West when I was in my teens, Colorado had become my idea of paradise. If I could live anywhere, I decided, THAT is the place I would choose! When my search for grad schools led me to consider a stint at the base of the Rockies, it felt like a dream. Could it really be true that God would lead me there, of all places?!

And He did.

Along with my studies, I got involved with a local church, volunteered with the youth ministry, and joined other young adults to start a community group. In the fall of my last year of school, I took my turn leading our women’s Bible study. Being both a dreamer and a planner, I was already bending God’s ear with my questions of what’s next?!

As often happens, His answer took me completely by surprise.

when you overcome

I sat on the floor of my tiny apartment bedroom, my beloved mountains juuust out of sight around the corner, working through the curriculum for our upcoming Bible study on the life of Peter. This particular lesson centered on his interaction with Jesus at the Last Supper. Just prior to revealing Peter’s impending denial, Jesus both humbles and encourages His impetuous disciple with this statement:

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32 NIV

Since the study was geared towards women, it framed the episode something like this: Jesus knows that, just like Simon Peter, we will endure testing and trials, and we will not come out unscathed. But in the midst of this, Jesus is praying to strengthen our faith, to cheer us on in the fight. We WILL fail … but that is not the end! The promise Jesus makes to Simon is for us, as well: You will fail, but you will overcome. And when you do, strengthen your sisters!

remember … and return

As if Jesus Himself stepped through the page to stand before me, I sensed the Holy Spirit interpreting this message for my situation:

Do you remember where you were when I walked you through your darkest season of trials and pain? Remember the community I wove around you to help you finally face your brokenness and begin to heal? You came face to face with the ugliest part of yourself, yet I provided the grace to overcome. There are others still wandering through that wilderness valley, waiting for a guide to lead them home. Now that I have led you out into the light, onto the mountaintop, it’s time for you to go back and share your hope with your sisters.

Go back … 

Wait … what?!?

God, don’t You remember? You called me HERE, to Colorado! Here, to the rushing rivers and wilderness trails, to the mountains—MY mountains—the ones that speak Your name to me. You brought me here to find new life and healing, a vision for my future, and now … You want me to go BACK? I don’t understand …

stepping down from the mountain

I didn’t understand … When God brought me to the mountains, I thought I was shaking the dust of the flatlands off my feet and leaving my old life behind. I thought this move was permanent.

But no one stays on the mountaintop forever.

While I struggled to comprehend His motives, I knew exactly what God was asking. His clear direction led me to inquire about a position as a resident director at the college I’d graduated from, back home in Indiana. And though it was another six months before I was called for an interview and I found myself on a plane flying out away from the sunset, I worked to trust His leading.

I went back.

going back … going forward

Moses wasn’t exactly thrilled when his burning bush encounter with God led him away from the place he’d made his home, back into the land of Egypt. But he wasn’t going backward, back into slavery himself; he was returning to lead former slaves into freedom. Though I shed plenty of tears watching “my” mountains disappear in the rearview mirror, I believed God had purposeful plans for the life He was opening in front of me. The transformation He had begun in my heart would not only lead me toward greater freedom, it would equip me to invite others to join me on the journey toward the Promised Land.

My exodus from the mountains played out nearly 15 years ago, and though I have come to cherish my home here among family and beloved friends, a part of me still yearns for the daily glory of the heights. So often, taking the next step has looked like going back. But I wonder: each time I turn away from all I thought I wanted, won’t I find God Himself waiting there for me? What if I can share with others a glimpse of the mountaintop vistas I’ve known, even when my own view becomes hazy?

I might not be seeing mountain views outside my window these days, but I am convinced the only way forward is to keep looking up.