breaking ground to bring growth

out of the nightmare

My eyes open and I want to jump up, but my body is struggling to move. Shivering, yet drenched in sweat, I attempt to reach for my blanket but even that feels like too big of a task. My heart is racing. For a few minutes, all I can hear is the loud thumps in my ears. My eyes follow my surroundings. I name things I can see. There is a stack of books in the middle of the room, there is a big crib in the corner that my niece often sleeps in, there’s a small pile of clothes on the floor that I need to put away… For a few moments, I scan the room repeatedly until I gain some grounding. The clock display shows a little past three in the morning. Suddenly everything comes together as if I am only just now waking up.

It was another nightmare. Not a made-up scary movie nightmare, but one where the monsters are real people and the events are real things that took place in my life. The dark hour of the night seems to be when the pain of my past likes to visit most.

I slowly sit up and walk to the bathroom. I splash water on my face and look in the mirror. Staring at my reflection I realize that the person looking back at me is not the little girl from the memory. Yet if I look deep enough, I see hints of her. The tears begin to pour like rain. I go and sit on my bed again as my childhood flashes before my eyes. I remember things I wish to forget. I remember dark and scary things. I remember a nonexistent father, an ultra-abusive mother, and a little girl who hung on to anything she could just to survive. I fade quickly into the remembering, the pain and grief overtaking me. 

I breathe deeply and simply say the name, Jesus.

Suddenly the memories fade, the room stops spinning and I am able to catch my breath again. I start to talk with Jesus. I have learned that it is in this moment when I need to submit every part of myself to Him. It is in this moment that I am to let go completely and give everything into His hands. Because I know that if I don’t, the pain, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the grief, the memories—they will drown me. I simply tell Him, “Jesus, this is Yours. I give it to You. I submit to You. You are what I choose. Please take it.” Sometimes this is easier than others.

a glimpse of restoration

This is a very small glimpse of what restoration has looked like in my life. After years of an abusive childhood, my mother went to prison and I spent my teenage years in the foster care system. I had many moments where I had lost complete hope. I attempted suicide many times because I just wanted it all to end. I wanted out. I was in a place of darkness no human being could reach into and touch me. Only God could. And He did. I have been on the journey of restoration ever since.

Often the word “restore” is used in a light-hearted way that describes something that seems so wonderful and glorious. I, too, will be the first to say that the glory present in restoration is truly indescribable. The freedom that comes with each step is something that one must only experience and go through themselves to truly know the gravity of it. There have been aspects of my life that have been restored instantly. God can do that, and He DOES!

However, there is another part of restoration that is less popular. This part can often feel like the opposite of being restored because it feels like a sort of death. This is where a type of crushing takes place. 

in the crushing

When I think of the ways in which God has begun to restore me, I think about the times of crushing most. The times when I submitted myself to Him over and over, yet still it felt like I couldn’t stand. And while it felt like I couldn’t, the truth is that I could, and I did. It may have been tremendously painful to stand but I did, and that’s just it: God gave me just enough of what I needed when I need it. It is after these times of greatest crushing that I have felt the weight of restoration in my life the most. As if God was taking a big shovel and digging it deep into my heart. Each time the ground of my heart broke, it hurt. But with each scoop, God was replacing the broken parts of me with more and more and more of Himself.

It is in this crushing when I really met God and learned who He truly is—how good He is. I learned what it actually meant to submit to Him in even the smallest ways because, in the times that I didn’t, (and there were many times), the level of pain I then experienced almost took me out. I had to continuously choose and continuously say yes to HIM and only Him. Sometimes my “yes” was small, but simply saying yes and submitting was enough.

I have learned to trust Him with everything. My life today is much different than it was even one year ago. There are things God is still healing and restoring in my life, but I can truly say there are things that He and only He has restored. One of my most favorite things about God is that He wants and intends to restore the things in our lives that need restoring. The word “restore” means to bring back to a former or original condition, to give back or return, to reconstruct in the original state. Sometimes things are distorted or destroyed due to our personal sin, sometimes it happens because of someone else’s choice—things done against us.

God’s heart in restoration

In Joel 2:25 God says, “I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten…” After God had brought the Israelites across the Red Sea and out of slavery, they chose their own way and turned from Him. Through judgment for their rebellion, they lost much. Later, when they gave their hearts back to the Lord, He not only accepted them, but He wanted to restore that which was taken from them. It truly shows God’s character and how willing He is to restore even the heart that is broken through our own sin.

I have been in very dark places in my life, and I am no stranger to pain. I know what it’s like to cry myself to sleep, to not want to look in the mirror because of the shame, and to just want to throw the towel in altogether. I have been broken. But the joy that swells in my heart when I think of how God has and is continuing to restore me is indescribable. I know that I know that I know by the ways in which He has restored my own life, that He not only can, but He wants to restore every hardened heart and every lost soul. He has a special shovel much like the one He uses to clean my heart out, specifically designed for each and every person that will allow Him to break up the ground of her heart. Even the pain that comes is so worth it.

Let our hearts rejoice that though we feel pain in this fallen world, this is not our end. One day God will restore all things to His original perfect intention.

And what a glorious Day that will be.